So, I went up to Olympia, Washington this week, to see The Evergreen State College, which was AMAZING btw. I loved it and felt right at home there. Thing is though, the aunts I went there with had to talk me down about financial aid and get me all depressed again because they highly doubt I'm going to be able to pay for it. And I really hate them for that, I mean it's one thing to keep me down to earth, but it's another to be so pessimistic about my future. One of my aunts just has these constant low expectations of me. She's nice and she buys stuff for me and everything, but she just looks down on me. Seriously, it seems like everytime I do something she tells me to do, she says "good girl" like I'm one of her idiotic dogs, toy dogs by the way that are just so fucking annoying!!! And then she talks about me with my other aunt and says things like how I'm so irresponsible and don't know the value of money or the trip I went on. And she thinks I'll never learn to try new things or grow up and become independent - she just fucking acts like I'll be a FUCKING BABY ALL MY LIFE! I FUCKING HATE HER SOMETIMES!!!!

But it's just so frustrating because I know she cares about me and she'll pay for stuff when I really need it, but you know she could just be a little more respectful of me and my independence, or however you call it because i can't think right now, I just wish she could treat me a little better sometime and yea this is a really horrible run-on sentence...I just want a little respect, you know? Like that song...to DEBS, does anyone remember that movie? Well who cares no one reads my blogs anyway. But there was a really good video to the couple from that movie, with that song "Just give a little respect...to me!"

I swear, I've seen that movie probably at LEAST 10 times, I just never get tired of seeing two girls in love (I'm actually starting to tear up right now...) :') <--that's supposed to be a picture of me right now, yea it's really crappy. Anyway, on the topic of love...I'm actually starting something with a friend of mine right now, whom I would never think of doing this with...Just the fact that he's a guy is enough contrast, but he's also one of the sweetest, kindest guys whom you'd never think was even interested in dating, just sort of asexual or just not interested in sex whatsoever, you know? I mean, I just don't feel much chemistry between me and him, you know? But I feel for him. I don't mind just lying my head on his chest and falling asleep together...I know, it's really weird. But I'm just glad to have someone to love, however it's going to turn out. I'm really not expecting anything, you know, just enjoying my time with him.

Speaking of grammatical errors, one or two of which I was about to make, I took the ACT this morning. And I actually think I did pretty well, compared to last time, when my essay sucked and I only finished about half of the tests. This time, I actually finished the English AND the Reading comprehension sections, and *most* of the math and science sections. I'm just hoping my score went up. And hey, I might even get a score that would qualify me for a full ride to the college of my choice... Well just keep your fingers crossed for me. xx

and man, I'm listening to this song in Spanish and it's actually at a decent beat at which I can actually understand it...What's it called? *looks on friend's myspace from which I'm listening to it* "Ser o Parecer" por RBD...Ser o parecer, que te imaginas...qué bonitas líricas...o cómo que sea

anyway, hopefully more people will read my randomness. idiots, there's a whole internet full of shit to look at, why don't you ever find my blog? You're all searching for random shit every day on google...fuck the what?!

some idiot gives me this shit message in ALL CAPS complaining after I left a message on another myspace telling this person that they might be suspended because they have a layout which deletes the ads. And I KNOW myspace will punish you in some way for doing this, just like they'd do if you posted nude pictures. But some idiot who doesn't like rules, or who doesn't know how the fuck things work, just has to complain to me about how stupid it is to say this. And then i tak a look at their comment in ALL CAPS and wonder what the fuck the world is coming to, what with all the GODDAMN FUCKING HYPOCRISY IN THE WORLD. It's stupid, it's annoying, it shouldn't be, it PISSES ME OFF.

goddamn. anyway, like i said, myspace sucks, mostly because the people who use it are all retarded pieces of shit, thank god i'm not. (no offense to anyone who uses mypace; that is, unless you have so many graphics on your page that my computer freezes or a million video/audio players that automatically start and fuck each other up and my computer)

again, i breathe. and get pissed off again. k, i fucking hate myspace, i need one of those goddam t-shirts. Oh wondering why i even have a shit myspace? yea well it's because i have to have a few friends who i can only contact via myspace, or whom it's just easier to talk to on myspace. Plus, I do use it to look for good music. Which I do find, btw. And sometimes to keep up with different events, that may or may not have to do with a tv show or celebrity or whatever.

okay, so there are pros and cons. breathing again. i don't have anger problems. but goddamn, some people should just be shot. seriously.

anyway, mom yelled at me again. i hate English. I hate deadlines. I hate stress. But I'm kinda glad now, because I might go and apply for a job at this new store that's just right around the corner :) And I think I could actually get this job, and it doesn't sound too hard, either.

I hate being a fucking senior now. It's like each day, I'm closer to deadlines. By the way, why do you think they call them deadlines? Because they make you feel like you're gonna die when they come, that's why. Well I'm satisfied I finally figured that one out.

What saddens me is how no one ever reads my lj. Hello people! This is the internet. Aren't you people supposed to be all freaky voyerists? I mean seriously. I'm desperate for attention. My friends and I don't share as many things anymore. This year is fucking me up. I need a life! I need something unexpected to happen. I need a new friend! Where the hell are you people???! Am I too fucked up to have friends, is that it? Or is it that I'm just so naturally anti-social? Because I can be social...just with people I like. No weird chipper girls for me. Or annoying egotistical guys. I guess that narrows it down by about half? -sigh- I hate living here. There's never anything to do, that doesn't cost anything that is.

Great, I don't even want to think about money. There is just too much goddamn stress on me right now. It's like I have this bundle on my back, and it's all slipping. It's breaking my fucking back, that's what it is. I fucking hate my life. I keep on making menial grammar mistakes in my English class, because I've stopped noticing the errors so much. Fuck. fuck. fuckidy fuck fuck. My friends don't even read this, you know how fucking frustrating this is? I hate my life. I HATE MY LIFE! Gfuckk.

I hate the English language. Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Ich würde ihn sprechen, wenn einer zu es sehen hier wär! ¿En español? Lo mismo. Nadie me entiende, y lo odio. Nadie está aquí, nadie estará aquí, nunca. Soy sola...hasta el fin de los tiempos...

fucking a. so. Mom got all pissed off today about college stuff and senior pics and whatnot. i think we both have senioritis. i got all depressed again, as a result.

Almost cried. I just got so needy...I felt like there was no help for me, because my mom here is complaining about money, i'm complaining about making decisions, the counselors are complaining about getting everything done on time, my teachers are complaining to me to finish my homework, just FUCK! It's too fucking much. And I know I'd take a year off before college if I knew it would help, but I know that a year off is only going to make me further depressed about things not to mention BORED AS FUCK. And scholarships don't always apply to those who have taken a year off. And ABSOLUTELY NO COLLEGES in my state offer my fucking program of study - linguistics, as a major. It fucking sucks.

So not only am I not sure of what college I'm going to, but I don't have a state university to fall back on. Did I mention it fucking sucks? Thankfully my classes aren't that hard, but all this stuff on the side PLUS my mom giving me bullshit about money are way too much fucking stress for me to have to deal with every fucking day. I FUCKING HATE THIS! I hate having to do all this shit and not having barely anyone to help me. My fucking guidance counselors all suck because they're all so fucking bitchy about doing shit for you, they act just as if not more stressed out than you are...it just fucking sucks. I just wish sometimes that everything was all planned out for me and I didn't have to worry about fucking money. I HATE, I FUCKING HATE FUCKING MONEY. Because it fucks up everything. Garfhuckinga..fucking a. fucking a fuck. FUCK!

Today I finally dropped AP Bio and AP Spanish lit in exchange for regular ole AP Spanish (since I didn't do so well last year on the exam, although i got an A in the class). Plus I don't have to go all the way from the gym to the third floor anymore - just to lunch, which i can be late for.

And what's best about it, is I get to keep mah early release! I love having early release, just leaving without all that noise all the other kids make...when I leave, all I hear are the sounds of nature, and the only kids I see are either waiting for rides or are reading or studying while kickin' it against a tree. So peaceful. And I get a study hall all year, whereas I haven't before. My senior year is gonna be awesome.

AND I'm FINALLY getting to go see college campuses. There's this really cool one in Iowa (out of all places!) and I think we're gonna fly down to Texas to see some...it's gonna be awesome.

And for once, I'm doing well in all my classes (except for English, which i'm working on), and I LIKE all my classes (more or less), for once.

I LOVE being a senior. I just hated that for the past few days I got senioritis because of AP Bio and Spanish lit, but I finally got everything changed, and now it's all hunky dory :D

Plus I aced two quizzes - one in German and one in Spanish - today that I didn't even study much for - and i think i did pretty well in the one in Government, which I barely studied for as well. lawl, i'm smrt. <-intentional irony

and i've found a new motto for my political views - "Make love, not babies" Best. Line. Evur.

and sort of yay on taking the SAT and SATII subject tests this semester. Man I'm swamped with shit to do. But I'm really excited too.

Plus did you know there's a university in Utah that not only bans alcohol, but CAFFEINE as well? I was reading about Brigham, and it sounded okay, except for the religious influence (actually it sounded pretty damn good, considering it was a private college and had an extensive language program and was only $3k), but when I read that it banned caffeine, I threw down the book. There's no WAY I'm getting through college without any caffeine. No fucking way.

So yea *is on caffeine buzz* really fun new year ahead of me.

that means school is starting in about a week. and all of a sudden, i'm going to wake up and have graduated. that's what i'm assuming this year is going to be like.

that's why i tried to avoid it all summer. doing things. to make it seem like longer. but it's really just felt like one really long day. i forget time. it just goes on and on and on and all of a sudden, i start living again. it's like being dead for three months, and then re-awakening.

i started drawing a bunch of shit tonight, got revived a little. it helped because i was crying earlier, for getting banned for no fucking reason on a forum i really loved and felt accepted in. i know, i'm really fucking emo. but i never fucking cry. i think that's one of the reasons i did cry. i was sad and pissed at myself for crying for such a stupid thing, and i made it worse. it sucked.

and i really got on my computer in the first place to read about religion, philosophy, and mostly, learn more about politics, because i'd been watching Angel and all the black and white and gray really got me thinking. i love thinking about these things. but i just got really fucking depressed and i couldn't enjoy it, not tonight.

so then, yea, i started drawing. Some stuff about sex, fake vs. real, "UNNNATURAL" where there was a Tree of Life - its trunks purple with faith, leaves made of blood dripping into a lake, evaporating into the sky, clouds of blood. There were two boys holding hands, and in the sky, the truth, yellow - "REVELATIONS". i'd take a picture if i had a decent camera.

then i just drew a picture of the hamburger i ate, not because i was hungry, but because i had to eat. that's the reason i'm skinny, you know. i don't eat because i'm hungry. it's my stomach. it wants food, but i wanted to draw. it wants food when i'm doing things i like. reading the final harry potter book, reading about humanism on wikipedia, listening to Russian music i don't understand. it bothers me a lot of the time.

food for me is like sex. it's like having a husband begging you to do it three times a day. it takes so much time out of my day, when i'd rather be doing other things. that doesn't mean i don't actually feel like it every now and then, but not all the fucking time. that's my stomach for you. it gives me pain when i don't give it what it wants. like having a husband who beats you.

at least my sex drive isn't that abusive. oh wait.

I've been thinking about religion lately. It's funny, you know, I take a look at the bible every now and then. Because even if I don't completely believe in it, there are still some things that make sense.

Like what they say about God being love. That's kinda what I believe. I'm not completely aetheist, but I don't like being called agnostic either. I don't know or have faith in anything happening when I die, I mean I hope that I'm reincarnated, but I really don't know what's going to happen. I just sort of know that there's one thing that I consider a higher power, something I don't understand - and that's Love.

It sounds pretty cheesy and girly, but I really can't not believe in it...it's just so powerful, it brings people together, tears them apart. I don't think there's anything more powerful than it in the universe.

And humans can't ever really understand it...we have these animal instincts and a mind full of logic, but our emotions, love. That's what makes us a higher race. Species, I mean. Humans can love. Even if none of us really understand it. (but maybe that's what the Ancient Egyptians and Mayans and Aztecs knew that we don't...)

but I didn't really log on to talk about what I believe, really. I was just going to go on a rant about how Christianity is so...weak and how Satanism and Christianity are kind of like a yin/yang sort of thing...

I mean, Christianity is all about control. To tell us what's evil, and to tell us to obey or else we'll suffer in hell.

And then Satanism comes along and says that all of Christianity is lies, that demons are really angels, and God is trying to restrain us from what we are truly capable of...that we are ALL Gods, that we all have psychic power...Spiritual Satanism believes that, anyway. I kind of like Modern Satanism, where you're the judge of everything. You're God, and whatever you believe is right, is right. Whatever you believe is wrong, is wrong.

I've never really wanted to call myself a follower of any religion really...I don't want to be a follower. But I don't exactly want to call myself a God or make up my own religion entirely and get a bunch of followers to brainwash. I just sort of believe in...thinking for yourself, you know? Independentism. Something like that.

Christianity, Judaism, even Satanism have their rituals and rules. Do this at this time, then do that. Satanism is a bit looser, saying your instincts are virtues. Having an orgasm grants you the power to conjure black magick. I really don't think orgasms have that much power. I just hate all this organised religion...telling you what to do. All of it is a cult. People should think for themselves for a change, they weren't given free will just for it to be taken away as soon as they're aware of it.

Me, I take my morals, my beliefs from things I experience or read about. Right now I'm liking the idea that everything is connected, a pagan thing. Calling on Mother Earth and Father Sky. Then again, I really don't believe in that. Worshiping gods. I will not serve. That's not what religion is about...I think it's sort of...a control thing. Knowing when to restrain yourself, and when to let go. And I think if you're truly enlightened, you can do both at once.

So I've finished the sixth Harry Potter book, only two days after I got it...well one, but I read it in two days' time (got it just yesterday, and technically it's Monday already, so that is two days...

I'm not going to give my whole review of the book, just that with an ending like that, I'm highly anticipating the next book.

And I haven't even mentioned what happened on Friday. Massive sexual experience, that involved no real sex whatsoever! And at a (and I quote this) "family" show or whatever that was. Gay Pride festival. Anyway...there were so many sex jokes that it could hardly be called a "family event".

In fact, I believe most the actual "families" left before it got dark, before all the good stuff happened...

There were of course, many transsexuals who got up on stage to perform for us, not much to my surprise but I do enjoy androgyny (well except the butch girls, never really did feel much attracted to them).

The highlights of the night: First there was an auction for someone to lick a banana split off this guy (from Spankcandy, which I'll explain in a moment), and when I say banana split, there was a WHOLE TON of whipped cream, vanilla ice cream of course, chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, and of course, to top it all of, a cherry (which the ice cream guy - well the actor anyway - dragged down the guy's leg and over his body before adding). And the guy who won with the $100 bid gobbled it all down, taking time to lick as far down as he could go without taking off the other guy's shorts.

Next, (to my awful regret that's still kneading me in the stomach like an iron hand - yes I HAVE been reading too much lately) I COMPLETELY screwed up the whole raffle thing that was supposed to be for getting up on stage for Syren (a girl from Spankcandy, the sexiest in my opinion) to have her way with you (*****jaw-dropping silence*****).

(Her Picture)


She IS the hottest person I've ever met, and I could FEEL her eyes on me as she winked on stage for one of her bondage performances with the rest of Spankcandy. I WANT her so badly, I went to talk to her after the show, it was way too quick. I said everything as fast as I could before she could react, but she did end up kissing me on the cheek when I told her I couldn't make it for the performance on June 23 (MY 17TH BIRTHDAY, GAH I WISH I WAS 18 SO BADLY!!!!!), but I have a feeling she likes me for some reason.

Maybe it was what Baku said (as I know you'll read this), or maybe it was just what happens to anyone who falls in love with a famous person, all thinking they're somehow worthy. But she DID wink at me, I can't deny that. I just know it was me, I could feel her eyes settle on ME, not someone else. Maybe she felt sorry for me or maybe she thought I was cute or something...but MAN! I did feel something...

I wish they'll do senior superlatives next year though, because I'm sure to be voted "Most likely to become a stalker".

So many months have passed by since my last entry.....in April. I mean it's June already and my birthday is drawing near...so are all my friends', and my cousins'...Nothing really's happened in the past few months, I continued getting straight A's, applied for a job...

But just today, well just yesterday I started reading the fifth Harry Potter book out of annoyance that the new movie's coming up and I haven't even read the book, but I had all the others, so I picked it up and blew the dust off it and started reading. By now, I've nearly read half the book (which is saying a lot as the book is over 800 pages long), and a little bit to my surprise, I found myself finding themes in the novel. Anger, Mystery (they somehow always seem to go hand in hand). Lies. And then, as I am now reading this book with a much freer open mind than I had when I got the book when I was thirteen, I started to make so much more connections to real life.

I shouldn't give away too much of the book, but I started to see how our very real world was like that of J.K. Rowling's fantasy. I saw how this world really is going to come to a screeching halt in 2012. Lies, mystery surround us everywhere. Not to sound like a government-hating hippie (as most of my generation is), but Bush really has stirred up a lot of trouble in the world, turning what were once (well also his father) peaceful nations against each other with whatever it is he, his father, and Saddam Hussein had brewing up. I wouldn't be surprised if someone assassinated him and World War III broke out. Not that he's keeping the world from fighting. He's caused a hell of a lot of trouble in the Middle East from what I can tell.

But that's not all, not just Bush. People have been turning against Catholics, too, because of all the Priest-molesting-prepubescent-boys cases (by the way, where the hell did all that originate, anyway?). Then there's Hollywood, don't get me started on how mindlessly people follow the lives of famous people (as if we aren't controlled enough by the media as it is), then there's my generation, which everyone seems to have as much confidence in as a worm.

We don't get the respect we deserve, nor the privileges, because someone's always screwing it up for us! I live in a generation full of idiots, who follow whatever their parents tell them or otherwise just live on causing trouble. But that's not the main "problem" in my generation. No, it's because most adults of parenting-age (like in their 30s-40s) are conservative, and the majority of us are very liberal in our decisions, we're like the Hippies of the 60s (yea didn't mean for that to rhyme). We're all for the liberation of sex, drugs, and rock n roll, but most adults tend to scoff at that. (Well I don't think all drugs should be legal, but you know, just whatever floats your boat...) And there's a battle going on right there.

Then (oh, you thought I was done?) we have the environmentalists, Global Warming, that sort of thing. (Patricia, don't worry, I am very appreciative of environment-lovers, as you know) We have Tree Huggers and the several governments fighting over forests being cleared, landfills, and the possibility that if we don't do something right now, our earth that we've lived on for so many billions of years, is going to vanish.

All this stress lies in our country right now, and it's all stretching out, like a demonstration I once saw of an earthquake with a rubber band for the fault line. Stretching, stretching, the blurred sound a rubber band makes before it collapses. Well if we don't do something soon, the so-called "mystery" or (as some -idiots- seem to think these days) "lie" of Global Warming is going to become a reality. I'm very sure that the world will come to a crashing end in 2012. And I feel just fine knowing it.

I mean all this, all this is going to build up. The weather is a HUGE hint. Hundreds of hurricanes have happened in the past year or so (not all of them in inhabited places of the planet, mind you). The winters here are getting mild, whereas they used to be the polar opposite degrees of the summers here (as it is Nebraska after all). There's an island that will be completely underwater come next year, due to the ice-caps melting.

Just this year I started regretting not paying too much attention in my history classes, for what's happened is becoming. They say the world's ended and restarted so many times in the Mayan culture. They also say, if I'm remembering right, that on December 21, 2012 that the earth will line up with the center of our galaxy and the poles will change position. Recent scientific discovery has proven a black hole to be at the center of our galaxy.

So what happens? Will we be sucked up by the black hole, or succumb to the dreads of the next Ice Age (What with the poles changing, our weather will get really fucked up and then finally settle down when half the planet's covered in ice, or so do all the educational channels I watch seem to think)? What will happen to our world, just like that of Harry Potter's, slowly turning in the face of confusion, rumors about terrorism, the government full of lies, no one wanting to face the truth, people turned against each other, a world shrouded in mystery. What will become of this world? What has become of this world?

Last night was teh AWESOME! with all my hentai family buds last night. We played bull shit in three different languages - Merde du Toro, Mierda del Toro, and Bullesheitz, although we did fight over the German a lot. Sam refused to speak anything other than French, so I did my best to insult him with the little I knew, saying things like Je ne taime pa! and.....well that's all I came up with lol. Video camera from Patricia - YAY! I'm on youtube now! And the I :heart: porn pin on Sam......perfect night. Motherfucking perfect! And DDR pwns.

Today I woke up with sort of a hangover and my mom didn't go to work so we went out for breakfast/lunch...er brunch? Well I didn't eat breakfast. I had chicken and fries and a yummy ice cream dessert that filled me up. I also got my hair trimmmed. And I realized how much I HATE getting my hair done. They never do it right. I'm the only one who can do it right. And really, the only way you CAN do it right is to leave it alone with no weird gels or dyes or anything else that will fuck up my hair. It's actually best to let the wind blow dry it too. Man, if I don't grow up to be a hippie I don't know what I'll be. But my hair does oddly feel light and fluffy right now....weird. Plus she parted it weirdly, and my head felt off-balance.

And Sam has a nice ass.

Well since it's March I should probably update again.

First of all, I suck when it comes to libraries. Everytime I tell myself to remember to turn it back in, and then of course it comes late. I can never get a book in when they tell me to. I owe like, I dunno how much in fines.

Second, for the first time I'm getting straight A's without trying. I'm tired as fuck and I only really do my math and physics homework, I just do a half-ass job in English and History. And yet I still have A's in those classes as well.

And dreams...don't get me started. I think I really do need to focus on my sexual energy OUTSIDE of sleep, because I've had those kinds of dreams for the past few days. I think I have a lot of pent up energy, since I haven't had a whole lot of alone time lately...

Oh and um, Papa John's = best pizza ever.

Also, read Carrie and am now reading The Call of the Wild. Carrie, confusing order, everything all jumbled up. I don't like the way King wrote it. The Call of the Wild is getting pretty good though. Now I just need some spare time to read it [/physicstesttomorrow]

I should go do my homework. Parent-Teacher conferences Thursday. YAY! Half-day. Just a one more day of school, then 2 classes and an assembly.

Ergh, I hate homework. Need...sleep...now.

So I've been reading Willa Cather's novel My Ántonia for English, and despite what everyone told me about how "boring" it is and that it's only about a few people hanging out in middle of Nebraska...It now lies with my list of novels written with a particular style, one that alludes but does not fully tell. It's hard to explain, but the old saying "less is more" could describe it more clearly.

Ooh, and Patricia, I bet your teacher didn't give you a biography on Willa Cather. That she had only one friend, whom she was very close with, whom she could confide in. That that friend was a woman, and they wrote letters to each other that no one ever knew of, because they were burned before she died. She didn't want anyone to know of her relationship with Isabelle.

It's funny, I've found that all my favourite authors are either lesbian or bi. Well, they do tend to write better. Anaïs Nin, Lois Lowry, Willa Cather... I mean I haven't read the entire novel of hers yet, but from the few chapters I've read, it doesn't sound like something that will bore me.

On a lighter note, last night I think I actually had a dream about bumping into something. -_-' I was in the art room at school, and I was telling some freshman in art 1-2 to register for Applied Design because she wanted to make stuff with her hands. She didn't like clay though, she was asking me if you make anything with a media besides clay in pottery for some reason. I told her no, but if you register for Applied Design, you can - you can even make paper. She kind of sunk in her chair and mumbled something about a guy who was going to take that class next year and she didn't want to be near him. I looked down at her, sadly, and felt sorry for her. I kept on trying to get her to take the class, but she was too afraid of being near him. She was black or of some minority I don't remember, but she didn't act like the others at school. She was resigned, it was like this guy really hurt her. [[I think I bumped into a bunch of clay or something while running up to her. I don't remember exactly what it was, but I do remember THE PAIN]]

I don't remember much of the rest of the dream. Just that I was searching for something, but I couldn't find it.

I had a weird, yet satisfying dream tonight. I was standing at Mrs. Mahoney's desk in her room, and all of a sudden everything stands still as we watch an egg that had been in her room for so long start to hatch. It was in the same place as my seat, right next to the window, third one down. It was also in this part of a cardboard box. And before the chick had hatched a little bit of the way, so there was a crack in it.

So the chick started to hatch through the tough egg and it was victorious, but I didn't see it. Instead, I looked down while it hatched and I looked up when it started flying around the room. Suddenly, it hit something on the ceiling and got tangled up in its flight. It was stuck, after trying for so long to get out of that egg. Mrs. Mahoney told me to go get a teacher and inform her next class, and the dream went on…but that's not important.

What's important was that we both watched an egg, that was supposed to represent me hatch in her room. I'm not sure what it means, only that everytime I try to escape from this child in me, which is hard in and of itself, I fail. I start to fly for about five minutes then I fail. I'm a failure.

But the fact that it's in Mrs. Mahoney's room gets me. Maybe it's that hers is the first class I ever failed at Central? Maybe it's that hers is the class that taught me the most. Whatever. I just think Mrs. Mahoney is the best teacher at Central, and she's the one who taught me the most. Both freshman year and now.

~

and tired. i stayed home from school yesterday because i (1) didn't get enough sleep the night before and (2) didn't get my homework done.

turns out there were like a kagillion people gone monday. weird. i just felt like it was a stay-home-from-school-and-sleep day. It was nice. Weird how everyone kinda thought the same.

anyway, i need sleep. and my dreams have been really fucked up lately. i keep on waking up in a bad or angry or sad or depressed mood. my dreams just have sucked lately.

oh and i'm gonna die next year in AP Spanish and Bio. Ha. A 15 minute lunch.

bye.

I know. I'm currently trying to figure out a good theme, because the other one was boring and sucked. T_T

And I'm reading a lot. I'm reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chebowsky, and it's really interesting how the kid writes. And I think it's starting to rub off on me a little...

Plus I'm reading Paint it Black by Janet Fitch. If you haven't read her yet, you need to.

And I'm learning German, and I'm doing so while I improve my Spanish. Guess I'm really busy. And this book rubbing off on me is really fucking annoying me now.

Umm...oh yea, and Rammstein is teh sex.

You know what? I just realized the otherday, while watching the movie Happy Campers, that you know, if you ever try figuring something out, it always goes wrong. You always end up hurting, emotionally. So why try?

In the movie, there was this girl who was "crazy" and the narrator said that even she refuses to figure herself out, for the same reason. It's too much pain to try. So why try anymore? Why do people go to shrinks so they can figure out exactly what in their life is fucked up? Aren't we all fucked up by nature?

Why don't we just live our lives, one day at a time? Fuck the pain, it's a part of life.

Actually that reminds me of a quote, "Death is a part of life." I have no idea who said it, but it makes sense. You kind of have to die to live, and live to die. And the rest is your life.

~

...It said: "We are not meant to remain as children".

It was located on a random empty building...I wonder what it means?

The Four Noble Truths

1. Life means suffering.

2. The origin of suffering is attachment.

3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.

4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

I feel so calm as I further read and practice...I think I found my religion.

And it's all so true...the reason life is suffering is because of material possession. When that possession is taken away, and we practice acts of kindness, we can attain enlightenment, or Nirvana. And my favorite part is, Buddhism values intelligence, in the way that one must use their knowledge to adapt the ways of Buddhism to their life - it is open for interpretation.

Plus, they don't believe in marriage. Not neccesarily, at least. They believe one must love a person and be in a commited relationship before they have sex with another. And that's what I believe...who cares about marriage, as long as you love them?